Today you’ll find out how to break up with someone you live with and have kids with.
Separation is never easy and it does not come without a cost. If we are honest with ourselves, we have an opportunity to get through it with less loss.
People all the time go their separate ways, even though divorce has increased in last few years. Researchers say habits have changed, economic levels have increased, but women have also become more independent. Among the main reasons for divorce are incompatibility of characters, extramarital affairs, drinking alcohol or financial disagreements.
On the other hand, Prof. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington who has studied couples for almost 40 years and analyzed the causes of breakups, says it is not cheating or money that is the biggest problem. We can still handle this somehow. According to him, those who divorce are those who stop listening to their partners and pay attention to their problems.
So what can we do to part ways on good terms when there is no other way out? How to minimise suffering and get out of a failed relationship with the strength to live anew?
How to Break Up With Someone You Live With
1. Consider whether your relationship is still around.
You shop together, take care of the baby, sometimes even go see friends or family together. But you are already spending your vacation individually, under the pretext that the child will earn more, the holiday will be longer at sea. Separately, you go to a party because someone has to accompany the child because one likes games and the other likes dancing.
Of course, we do not have to do it all in a relationship together. It is important to develop as many separate areas of interest as general ones, but the latter must be so. Being in a relationship is not project execution and company sharing of tasks. It supports one another, cares, nurtures mutual development, and much more.
With a sense of inadequacy or even alienation, one might assume that the relationships we once formed aren’t any longer there, all that’s left is a well-functioning (or not) “Smith Family” company. It’s not good to just let things go in such a situation. If we do not take corrective action, there may be a conflict or unconscious life building someplace nearby, maybe even with someone else.
2. Write down what did not work
Relationship crisis is not synonymous with a breakup. Whether we’re looking to divorce or rebuild a relationship, it is helpful to do a cost-benefit calculation, that’s, to write down what worked and what did not work. Let’s focus for a moment on what did not work. And this doesn’t mean an inventory of grievances and resentments.
It’s not the seriousness of the problem that matters, it is just identifying it. Certain things just cannot occur in a relationship to work like a well-oiled machine. An absence of trust, an absence of interest in a partner’s affairs, an absence of respect, an absence of intimacy, or an absence of sex are the flaws that ruin the most promising relationships.
A relationship falls apart not only when there are brawls, insults, or making up for one another. It happens when each of the living partners is “neighborly”. They can then take three different paths: change nothing; deciding to make amends (either alone or with the help of a couples therapist); or break up.
And what about bickering, recriminations and insults, recognition of other values, or violent disagreements? Then only very intensive work or divorce remains. However, even so, it’s worth creating a profit and loss account. If only for
Both to explain to your partner and yourself why it’s better to separate. so that after a while you can begin living again, but also differently.
3. Answer yourself: Why do you want to break up?
Some, maybe a dozen years ago, you knew very well why you wanted to be together. out of great love, out of lust, out of sharing ideals and concepts of life. There should be lovely homes, kids and trees planted together, or in other versions, repairing the world, fighting for the lives of seals or dolphins.
Meanwhile, imperceptibly, all of that disappeared someplace. Such a crucial ideal at first was lost someplace, overwhelmed by everyday life. Slowly, passion, closeness, and intimacy die. There comes a time when you no longer understand how to answer the question of why you are together. But this is when you need to ask other questions and find answers. Why do we want to separate?
When I ask my clients such questions, they’re often surprised. They can accuse their partner of neglect, an absence of loyalty, or an absence of affection. And why do they want to separate? Why would their life be better without their partner?
It’s important to be capable to understand what really contributes to the loss of affection, and often the respect or friendship, that’s so valuable in a relationship. You could most likely list a full list of reasons for a breakup: I’ll end up spending my time however I want; I will regain my freedom; I’m going back to my old ideas about life; maybe I will find someone who will share tenderness with me?
These reasons may be as many as the number of individuals who split up. Crucial to the decision itself, but also to sorting life after a breakup, is telling yourself: I’m separating because I want to… I’m leaving because I do not agree with… This is not the same as saying, “We broke up because he betrayed me,” because that way we passively receive what the world sends us.
That’s why it is better to say, “We parted”, because I do not accept betrayal. I left because I did not want to be with a lady who did not feel love and keenness for me. Then it’s my decision. I decide my life. I don’t stand passively.
4. General goods
On the surface, money does not give happiness. Maybe the goal in life should not be to collect it, but it is worth talking about it at every stage of the relationship. Talking about money in a crisis situation is usually very difficult. Especially when, over the years of marriage, we have accumulated many mutually beneficial relationships and dependencies.
When preparing for a breakup, it is a good idea to take inventory of what we have in common and what we have done together. Look at it from the viewpoint of the great years, not the current conflict. Unfortunately, I often encounter situations where one of the partners treats the financial area as an instrument of revenge. In particular, the person who feels betrayed thinks that the atonement will take everything for himself.
It is feasible to have this attitude, but revenge builds nothing, and after all, “after” there’s an next life waiting. Perhaps it’s worth answering the question whether such revenge will build us up; whether it will make us stronger, wiser in experience, and open without a previous partner. Before attorneys enter the ring, let’s take a common sense approach to the subject of shared assets and write out how we want to split them up. At worst, we’d be perfectly prepared for formal negotiations.
When a couple wishing to separate has kids, the world becomes more complicated. Oftentimes, adults are fed up with the illusion that kids do not know anything. And kids know everything.
Therefore, in a relationship crisis, even if we haven’t made the decision to break up, but irrespective of the reason, you need to be prepared to talk to your child. This is very difficult, particularly if we hate one another or if we accuse one another. The worst thing you can do is hold your child accountable for problems or drag them into conflict.
Very often I come across scenarios where one of the parents tells the kids: “Dad wants to leave us,” or “Mom cheated on us, betrayed us.” Here, there isn’t any “we”. Children don’t betray or betray (I’m not talking, obviously, about situations when, for example, there was violence by one of the parents towards the child!).
More and more couples want to prepare for a conversation with their son or daughter. Then it is important to consider a mutually acceptable version, and find the most fitted time and place. And many factors need to be taken into account. Boy’s upcoming exam or daughter’s long awaited birthday celebration. It is also worth considering what questions kids may ask (1).
If a couple does not decide to separate within three months, speak about what family life has been like so far; where you’ll live; how you’ll spend your time. And if the couple still lives together, it’s also essential to explain to the kids, for example, the cooling of the relationship or separate bedrooms. The guiding principle that will help your child through a crisis is consistency and honesty with both of you.
A separate issue that absolutely must be discussed is what the life of kids and oldsters will be like after separation. I often find that moms and dads want to actively take part in a child’s life. Maybe alternative treatments aren’t that common yet, but they’re no longer the spectacular exception.
Consensual open treatment is not just about calendar setting. It also agrees on the concept of parenting. How many kids of divorced parents say: “and at home my mother can play games until late at night” or “daddy allows me to eat sweets every day”. This time to speak about raising kids is also a moment to establish contact rules with grandparents, who have a crucial role in the lives of kids, or the arrival of a new partner of mom or dad.
I know from the stories of my friends that friendships with their partner’s parents or siblings have survived despite the divorce. I know grandparents who still spend time with their grandchildren, even although the parents do not talk to one another. They understand how to grab the opportunity and fulfill their role.
6. Family and friends
Over the years together, we form a circle of individuals around us who are important to us. Divorce is a test of strength for this relationship, and it isn’t easy either for the protagonists of all the chaos or for the people around them.
Most of us, in such situations, build coalitions and try to attract people we perceive as near us. We demand a declaration of loyalty, standing by our side. Often we hope to be actively involved in divorce cases, for example by testifying in court.
Even if the divorce does not take place in an environment of brawls and mutual grudges, it is not easy for anyone. Acquaintances and friends often don’t want to enter into conflict. They value each side, and if they choose to know only one, they want it to be their decision. We even have to accept that divorce often involves the loss of loved ones. Sometimes good relations with the ex-spouse’s family will continue, but this isn’t quite common.
7. Imagine living “after”
Imagine, draw or write in a notebook what the new life will be like. It’s not just about living alone and lonely nights: abruptly you must remember to service your car, buy produce to make your child’s breakfast for school. Our life consists of a thousand little things. It is nice to write them down when preparing for a divorce.
It’s just a seemingly trivial activity, taking care of unimportant things while the world is crumbling. Because if, in preparing for a breakup, you write down everything that’s important to your (and your child’s) daily life, it is going to be easier to control loneliness, sorrow, helplessness, and anger, emotions that will overwhelm you in the start of a breakup. new chapter of life.
The more you sort and write in your calendar, the less dramatic your grief will be in your relationship. Yes, grieve! Let’s be clear — even when we understand what happened to cause the relationship to fall apart, even when it was our decision, we will still undergo the phases.
8. Don’t let the hated win
Hatred destroys like a drug, not only us, the perpetrators, but also our witnesses. Anger is destructive; it leads to wrong decisions. I’m by no means referring here to the emotions that accompany a crisis and a break in a relationship.
It’s important to speak up, and speak out loud, about how we feel. About anger, humiliation, disappointment, loss of self-esteem or even disgust. But do not let these destructive emotions rule your life during and after a breakup (2).
Mari also does not obscure reality or play actors. Often, people instantly after a breakup fall into a whirlpool of crazy entertainment, romance and erasing the past. Others run from people, blame themselves, and feel hopeless. And it is particularly important in a separation situation to take the time and conform to undergo the grieving period.
You need to give yourself time for that, sometimes a few months, but more often a year or two. After all, that doesn’t suggest nothing happens, and after a breakup—for whatever reason and on whose initiative—it is good to allow yourself to undergo the five phases of mourning, which are almost identical to those that accompany dealing with the death of a loved one. One.
The first is denial — we pretend nothing happened, even although our minds tell us otherwise. Initially, denial allows us to find ourselves in a new reality. If it lasts too long, it makes us unreal. That’s why, after a few weeks, it is an incredible idea to say to yourself or write on a piece of paper and hang it next to a mirror: You will face the world without him; cry, drive away bad thoughts.
Then came the anger: how could he do this to me? After the denial phase, reality returns and hits you like a bullet in the head. Sometimes this realization of a situation is not painful to the point of being painful. Pain is occasionally distracted and expressed as anger.
Over time, this anger is also directed at ourselves, because we know that we are both responsible for the breakup, even if only one cheats. Accepting this responsibility is very difficult. Therefore, at the stage of anger, we are trying to find a victim for whom we will all blame. This could be a former spouse, but it could even be a mother-in-law or colleague.
To enter the next phase of mourning, it is a good idea to give yourself permission to suffer, forgive yourself for your mistakes, and begin exercising to get the serotonin started to get released again. It is also possible that you want to start all over again. Suddenly, after throwing out our emotions, we get the idea that we are going to rebuild everything.
Not that we believe that abruptly things change. We just want to extinguish, endure the pain. In fact, you know that in the long run you will not be together, and your only motivation is the desire for temporary relief. Try to control yourself and realize that unhealthy arrangements aren’t worth prolonging. Don’t provoke contact with your ex-spouse. Stay off his Facebook. Don’t send text messages. Don’t hang around outside of work.
Then there’s depression: all in vain. Once we control our emotions and start to embrace the “after” reality, there’s sorrow, a feeling of meaninglessness in life. Desperation made it difficult to mobilize. Maybe it is time to get help from a specialist. Sometimes a minimal change in environment is enough, such as a new mattress in the bedroom, repainted walls, or new towels.
Finally came reception. To reach this stage, we need about two years. Once you start to accept what happened, you’ll gradually be capable to recover from the pain of the relationship. This doesn’t automatically guarantee happiness, as you are still in one of the stages, but you’ll be less overwhelmed by emotions and will begin to see the light that will bring you back to “normal functioning.”
Divorce can be seen as a closed stage in life. Things that bring back memories can continue to cause nasty emotions before you really accept the end of the relationship. Therefore, take care of yourself. If you used to ride before you got into a relationship and still miss it, start doing it again. Go to the vernissages or learn to dance. In the end, after going through all the phases of grief, we become stronger, take care of ourselves, and are ready to face the next stages of life. and perhaps even other relationships.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read my article on how to break up with someone you live with. I actually hope that its content has been of good help to you.