This article contains proven steps and techniques on how to cultivate good relationships.
In this guide I outline useful strategies gleaned from years of research and effective family therapy to help you develop your relationship.
So, let’s get started!
How to Cultivate Good Relationships:
1. Upgrade your love map
Your Love Map is the part of your brain where you store data about your partner’s fantasies, goals, pleasures, preferences, hatred, dissatisfaction, and stress.
Things like your partner’s favourite TV show or your wife’s favourite relaxation exercise are important “focuses” on your love chart.
Some individual maps may be more developed than others. It really depends on how far you pay attention to your partner. People with a developed love map are at all times aware of the evolving needs of their partner.
They are continually on the lookout for what other people are doing, feeling, and thinking. It is a well known undeniable fact that partners’ goals, dreams and needs change over time.
Couples can try to redesign their love map for one another, they’ve a far better chance of getting through difficult times together.
In one study, Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, investigated couples around the start of the relationship. For 67% of couples, this upsetting event was accompanied by a critical decrease in spousal satisfaction.
However, another 33% saw no decrease in satisfaction; the difference is caused by the satisfaction of the partner’s love map. This love map secures their relationship after this sensational change.
2. Growing a sense of like and awe
Despite the current issues you may be facing, your positive sentiments and memories about one another and your past let you have a key feeling that each other deserves to be valued and even loved.
In other words, even although you have struggled, you can look back on the past and meetings together and have fond memories.
When you consider your past together, you view the meeting in a positive light.
Gottman’s testimony is that even in bad positions and splits, if a couple still has a working framework of affection and love, their marriage can be saved.
That does not imply it will not be a long, arduous road that requires results and work, but it is feasible.
Basically, that is what Gottman is saying here.
When you maintain your affection and appreciation for each other by showing adoration, appreciation, generosity, and concern for each other, you keep seemingly insignificant details from creating rumors and significantly reducing the effects of substantial stressors.
That’s because having a typically positive perspective about your life partner and your marriage is a robust cushion when times are tough.
By essentially helping yourself to remember certain qualities of your partner—even as you dwell on one another’s flaws, you can keep a happy marriage from fading.
The immediate reason is that compassion and pride are drugs for hatred.
If you still respect your partner, you are less likely to become disgusted with them when you oppose this idea.
Along the same lines, affection and respect keep the couple from being overtaken by the “four horsemen” (feedback, hatred, protection, hindrance).
Answer the connected questions together, awakened by one of Gottman’s polls. (If that helps, invite a close friend or relative to act as questioner and ask questions.)
1. How did you meet? What was your initial introduction to one another?
2. What do you remember about the time you dated? What’s your favourite thing to do or a place to go together?
3. How did you decide to get married? How can you know that your life partner is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is it accurate to say that it was a straightforward or difficult choice?
4. What do you remember about your wedding? Your special first night?
5. How was your first year of marriage? What things do you need to adjust as a love bird?
6. Looking back, what have emerged as the happiest moments of your marriage?
7. What moments have emerged as hard times in your marriage? How can you overcome those difficult times? Why do you stay together in spite of them?
3. Turn towards one another
In order to understand the turn, you must first understand what the bid is. An offer is any signal – verbal or nonverbal – for a positive association or relationship with your partner.
Offers can be basic or complex and can even indicate a need for discussion, liking, support, or essentially for consideration or affection.
Most are very easy to spot and respond: “How do I look?” “Could you pass the guacamole?” “Will you help me change the blanket?” Another offer is more complex: “Would you mind going to yoga with me?” “We have to figure out how to play the guitar.” “Do you feel like messing around?”
No matter the complexities of Offers, it is essential to understand how to understand them and move on to your partner.
A study conducted by Dr. Gottman reveals that relationship experts turn towards their partners virtually 20 times more than couples who suffer.
In a study conducted on newlyweds, love birds who were still together six years after their wedding turned away about 86% of the time; while those who separated or divorced within six years only turned on one another 33% of the time.
So understand Turning Towards. It takes time and practice, but the great news is that research shows that Turning Towards is among the best strategies for maintaining a relationship.
This is positive towards the positive feedback cycle. You must be sensitive to your partner’s offers and react with great care or caution.
4. Let your partner influence you
When you let your partner influence you, it implies that you have involved your partner in the decision-making process about anything that concerns the two of you.
It sends a message to your partner or lover that “they are very important in your life, their sentiments, wishes and desires matter to you and that their commitment is appreciated”. It makes your partner feel that what they’ve to say means a lot to you.
Men who allow their wives to influence them have happier, more stable relationships and are less likely to separate than men who resist their wife’s influence.
Statistics have shown that men are more likely to oppose making shared decisions with their wives and when this happens there’s an 81 percent risk that the relationship will self-destruct.
What about women? Indeed, research has shown that most girls, even in precarious relationships, are regularly willing to acknowledge the influence of their boyfriends and husbands.
If you do not acknowledge your partner’s influence, the chances of your Sound Relationship collapsing increase exponentially.
5. Build attachment
What comes to mind when you hear the word earnest? Someone who is sincere and honest.
It can even be described as: “Immune to deception, bad faith, or deception; can be trusted in doing or speaking; honesty.” At the center of sincerity is trust; in conduct and correspondence.
There are several illnesses that interfere with relationships; babbling, ridicule, and lies. All three can be very damaging to relationships and families
Never past the point where it’s impossible to have a relationship with someone you care about.
If you need a model for building good relationships, consider what is meant by “attachment”:
A: Attachments are all about making bonds with the people you care about. It requires you to acknowledge life’s flaws and be okay with “enough” things. When you have good relationships with people you value, any obstacle can work.
Q: Touch is an important part of being loved. If you don’t quite understand this, talk to your partner about it. Physical association is an important part of making sound connections.
Q: Mindfulness implies that, even in times of disagreement, you can one way or another be counted on to think of your partner first. You have to keep your partner satisfied, and having him in your mind should make you happy.
A: Verbally affirming how you feel is very important for some people. Men and women need to be told they are valued. This is a situation where actions do not speak louder than words.
C: Connecting with your partner by looking them in the eye, holding hands, and trying to say “thanks for being a big part of my life” or hugging tightly for a few minutes are effective instruments.
H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is the best medicine for a relationship that is in repair mode. If there’s a chance that both of you are really focused on giving something to save your relationship together, you’ll both develop a sense of understanding.
M: Memories of the good times will help you find the quality of your relationship when you need to get things back on track if you lose your sense of connection. Realizing that you were once ‘the one’ can give off the inspiration that you must find one more time.
E: Accessibility and emotional support are the basis of successful personal relationships. Your partner needs to realize that you will always be there for them.
N: Needing others is not an indication of lack. Yes, people can be pretty penniless, and shaky behavior can make it difficult for some people to forge the right bonds. After all, everyone needs to feel loved.
Q: Believing you are loved is key. If you have any questions, it’s best to take the time and discuss them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for getting what you need.
After some time, what you may discover is that your partner isn’t clean, and neither are you. Obviously, that implies that your relationship hasn’t peaked yet either. Anyway, that’s enough.
Proximity and Relationships
To be attractive, one must be close to the other in both space and time.
Other partners need opportunities to be exposed, to become acquainted, and to develop and grow to like their partner.
Proximity encourages such exposure and appreciation for development. That’s why many people date and marry someone they live close to, work in the same organization, or go to school with.
One of the classic experiments on environmental impact and attractiveness comes from Festinger, Schachter in 1950.
Scientists assess the patterns of relationships that exist among residents of arbitrarily designated residences at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
They asked residents to name their three closest friends in the hostel and found that physical proximity was the most important determinant of friendship/relationship decisions.
Indeed, 66% of the named friends live in the same residence, on the same floor.
If you want to attract someone for a relationship, love or business – you have to be close to them and work with them.
Accessible and visible. Make sure you meet up often, share spaces, and visit the same places constantly. Give them a chance to see you, get to know you, and get to know you.
Conflicts – What are the common problems?
This is probably one of the broadest and most difficult terms to define in relationships. It tends to have various implications for each of us. In relation to this article, I characterize it as “Mis-Understanding”.
If the individual cares to listen to others with as much enthusiasm as he hopes others will listen to them, both will accept what they’ve been told receptively!
2. Unfulfilled desires.
One of the saddest setbacks in relationships is that when they’ve multiple desires, one then feels disappointed over and over that they weren’t fulfilled after a period of time.
It’s your business to determine how to prepare yourself and then give whatever you can to the relationship.
3. Money problems.
Most couples have disputes over bills, obligations, expenses and other money-related issues.
How you choose to manage cash issues in your relationship will determine whether those issues have a negative or beneficial outcome for your relationship.
Discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be sources of contradiction between partners.
A child is the most evident stressor in a marriage1) and can highlight contrasts in beliefs on issues such as how to teach, who is responsible for a child’s development and who should spend most of the time with a child.
Not all friends help relationships. Some of them are dangerous. Make sure you know the contrast between friends who will improve your relationship and friends who will ruin it.
The list goes on and on, but these are the most prominent causes of conflict.
Addressing Communication Differences or Anger Attributions
- Be aware of what you and your partner want from the relationship.
- Talk to each other and tell your partner your needs.
- Accept that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs. Some needs will be fulfilled outside of the relationship.
- A partner should not be forced to make changes. You have to work to accept the difference between your ideal relationship and reality.
- Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with each other, but rather that you can expect yourself and your partner to understand and respect your differences, your perspectives and your different needs.
- Have some sympathy for each other and yourself if you find that there are too many contrasts or differences for the relationship to work.
Lessons from Lasting Relationships
Maintaining intimacy throughout the relationship (self-help exercise)
1. Daily Temperature Readings –at the same time every day, holding hands and
- Express appreciation for something your partner has done, Share some information about your mood or activity,
- Ask about something you don’t understand (“Why am I so upset about the phone bill?” or “Why were you so quiet last night?”),
- Ask for a few changes without blaming your partner (“Please call if you will not be home by 5” or “Please do not wear pants with a rip in the crotch anymore”), and Express hope (“I hope we can go hiking this weekend”).
2. Bonding exercises -When you are annoyed with your partner, ask for bond.
- Lie down and hug each other.
- Be specific about what’s bothering you (your partner is just listening), be specific.
- Share a memory of your past that seems related to your emotional reaction to your partner (“You had lunch with ____. made me think about my first wife/husband’s affair…”).
- Tell your partner what you need to happen in your history that will reduce your sadness now. (Perhaps your partner could say or do, right now, what you needed a long time ago.) Discuss how the past—the inner child, old wounds, Papa’s rules, unfinished business, etc.—had a strong influence on you today. .
- Plan ways the two of you can help avoid unwanted emotional reactions in the future
True Passion: Honesty in Action
Passionate relationships develop love. They make you float above your problems. Passionate relationships make our brain mature.
Alternately, am I suggested to say, our brains invigorate us more when we are infatuated or excited?
Life seems to glow. Our problems don’t make such a difference.
Fiery relationships work very well for both partners, although there can still be disagreements and problems. It seems a lot easier to work through problems in a compatible relationship, than in a dead one.
Everyone needs a greater amount of luminous things. It is akin to the fuel of desire. It makes us anticipate every minute and gives us the energy to embrace life to the fullest.
You Come First: Harnessing the Amazing Power of Attunement
If you happen to have a business that takes up the majority of your time exclusively, and you have a partner who seems to think it’s a waste of time and you should be with him instead, then you need to make a firm decision.
Do you want to achieve your dream first or do you want to balance both sides of the coin?
Remember this: It’s totally possible for your partner to admire what you do, be very supportive, and want you to do whatever you need to do to succeed… the first argument.”
It’s like an infinite balancing act, and there will always be guilt on one side – that you didn’t put your partner first, or that you neglected work/dreams/etc. – to be honest, it’s nobody’s fault.
You have to try to balance the two.
Love And Sexuality
1. Sex and intimacy
Emotional intimacy does not occur with sexual intimacy, because partners who are sexually intimate may still not be able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts.
In fact, people find it much easier to be emotionally intimate with close friends than with sexual partners.
Intimacy usually involves feelings of attachment and connectedness to another person and a willingness and desire to share one another’s innermost feelings and thoughts. Intimate relationships involve a caring attitude.
A key element of our sexuality is the ability to be intimate: the willingness to trust, love, and care for other people in other types of relationships.
We usually learn about intimacy from the relationships around us, especially those within our families.
To experience true intimacy with your partner, one must be willing to take emotional risks when sharing personal stories and details.
2. The Power of Connection: how to revive Intimacy
Once you have a solid foundation for understanding intimacy, trust, and giving, the next step is to confidently dive into passionate intimacy.
For this reason, you must open your heart and hold nothing back. Intimacy is about letting your lover get under your skin—emotionally and physically.
This is an opening and at the same time a vulnerability that must be earned, and not taken for granted.
Once you achieve intimacy, it must be valued, cherished and developed.
Most couples have a perceptual bias about how they experience the world. Is your partner more receptive to auditory, kinesthetic, or auditory or tactile stimulation?
Once you have the answers to these, you can be more effective and aware in how you communicate with your partner (2).
If your partner is a natural listener, interested in language, rhythm, and tone of voice, they may have a hard time understanding what you mean when you look lovingly into their face.
On the other hand, there are people who do not understand what you are saying unless you visually demonstrate it.
If you take the time to discover your partner’s perceptual biases, you’ll find the best keys to stimulating and rekindling intimacy within them.
3. Communication about sexuality
Communication is two-way traffic that includes receiving and sending messages. Therefore, communicators must learn the art of good listening.
It is essential when communicating with your partner to listen not only to words, but also to non-verbal cues. Non-verbal cues provide valuable clues about feelings.
Tone, posture, gestures and facial expressions not only complement the spoken word but also express emotion directly.
Good and clear communication can remove frustration from a relationship, eliminate misunderstandings, reduce resentment, and increase sexual satisfaction in the relationship.
Within each of these issues is a wealth of interesting information to find out about yourself, which can open doors to quality relationships you never knew existed.
Make no mistake; it can be an enormous slog to uncover hidden aspects of yourself that cause you to stumble and fall.
It’s well worth every moment of the time and energy you put into it. Like the rest you reap what you sow.
Personal growth is no exception.
Unfortunately, it seems that many people choose to take the easy route and blame other people for their relationship woes.
This, my friend, is a dead end. Been there, done that, not flying.
I encourage all of you who crave those connected, loving and fulfilling relationships, to invest yourselves in what it takes to have them. You will not regret it.