If you want to understand how to win an argument with your boyfriend, you’ll love this article.
We’ve all argued, it appears to be going nowhere. We believe that we are right. They believe they’re right. And no matter how much you talk to one another, it seems you won’t ever come to a conclusion.
So in this article, I’m going to look at precisely how to win an argument with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and I’m going to share with you five important things that you need to understand.
How to Win an Argument With Your Boyfriend
Let’s start with an example that I believe everybody can relate to. Let’s say you have a boyfriend who is all the time late, and you want to change that. You may have brought it up subtly before, and you may have said things like, oh you are running late again, or it would be nice if you were there on time.
But for some reason, he did not get the hint. The very first thing you want to do is clarify what it’s you want in yourself. So in this example, we can say something like this: “All I want is for my girlfriend to be reliable. I’m tired of being let down by him when he makes the commitments I was counting on.”
The next thing you want to do is clarify what you don’t want: “What I don’t want is useless, heated conversations that don’t make a difference.” When you clarify what you want, it will allow your brain to focus on that outcome. And it will reduce the chances of you getting distracted by unproductive arguments, which are common when you have a discussion with someone.
The next thing you need to do is ask yourself the “And” question: „How can I talk frankly with my boyfriend about being more reliable? And avoid creating bad feelings and wasting our time together.”. One of the best ways to avoid creating bad feelings
is to make sure a safe speaking environment is created, and make sure that the other person doesn’t feel attacked or judged for what she or he does.
This is something I personally have experienced very hard in my own life. I’m someone who can be very intense, and sometimes, my intensity can be mistaken for anger. So I had to learn how to make sure that others didn’t feel attacked when I spoke my mind.
To do this you need to use something called a contrast statement. So you’d say something like: „I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to make you into a bad person who doesn’t care about my feelings or my time. I know you care about me and my time but it is important to me that you are on time when we set up the date. If you could pay more attention to that, I would really appreciate it.”
When you talk like this, you are communicating in a safe and friendly way that lets him know how you feel (1), but that doesn’t drop it either. But, let’s be honest.
This whole late thing is lighthearted matter, and I’m sure many of you are probably thinking, I don’t even really care to talk about it. So let’s take a more sensitive topic.
Let’s say you’re unhappy with your sex life with your partner, which I think is something a lot of men worry about, at least as they get older. So how do we discuss this?
The first thing you need to do is start with the heart. „What do I really want from this conversation? What I want is for my boyfriend to understand my need for intimacy. I’m tired of him ignoring me every time I try and make a move. Or when I casually bring up that I’m not satisfied, he needs to understand that it’s important to me and how much it hurts me.”
What do you not want. “How can I have a calm conversation with my boyfriend about our physical intimacy, and avoid creating pressure, resentment, or bad feelings toward me or the relationship.”
If you want, you can come up with how you will convey this to your boyfriend yourself. Even wrote it down. And I think if you do this, you’ll quickly see how hard it really is.
But here’s what I will say. „Hey honey, I want to share with you some of the concerns I have about our physical intimacy. I’m not doing this to put you in a place or anything, but this is something that is important to me and I feel the need to share it with you. I want to talk about it to make things better for both of us.”
So there’s a lot going on in this message. The first thing to note is that I don’t blame him for anything (2). I’ve also phrased it in a way where I use something called “I” messages: „I felt the need to share something with you. I’m not saying we need to talk about this matter now.”
The really important thing to note is the last line of what I just said. I want to speak about it to make things better for both of us. In my opinion, one of the most significant aspects of having a discussion is setting a common goal, where others can even see it as a win to speak about it.
When you make others understand that talking about something will help them too, you stop fighting. You’re just talking about how you can make the relationship better, which is what everybody wants. Changing the dynamics of the discussion from „me vs. You”, being „we are all on the same team”, will allow for a more open conversation.
So let’s briefly review the five concepts.
1. Be clear about what you want.
2. Be clear about what you do not want.
3. Ask “And” questions.
4. Create a safe speaking environment.
5. Set goals together.
If you do not understand these five things, it is going to be very difficult to have a productive argument. And there are many various things that make for a productive discussion.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read my article on how to win an argument with your boyfriend. I actually hope that its content has been of good help to you.